2003 Season

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#006699" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="002285a1erlcgo.gif"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFCC66" FACE="Arial" ><B>www.chapmansfriend.com</B></FONT><B>     |     </B><A HREF="default.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="www.chapmansfriend.com"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div>                                                   </div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#FFCC66" TEXT="#080000" background="001d2c00dkelyh.gif"> <div> <A HREF="id21.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Marky The Greek. "><U>Marky The Greek. </U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>2003 Season</I></div> <div> <B>2003 Season</B></div> <bR> <div> Fresh off yet another winning season, it's time to kickoff the new season. Sure, I only came out "ahead" last year by continually multiplying my "bets" until I broke even on the Super Bowl, but that's a technicality.</div> <bR> <div> Time for new picks! New puns! New excuses!</div> <bR> <div> <B>NFL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from the Conference Championships: </div> <div> Just once, all season long, if I'd won when I'd tried to make a joke at Rush Limbaugh's expense, I'd be happy. (<B>L</B>) <I>Betting ability on loan from God! </I>But, the Patriots succeeded, setting me up at even for the day (<B>W</B>). Frankly, I can't remember much about these games, being 2 weeks ago and all. This practice of extra time off before the championship game has got to stop.</div> <div> Total: <B>22-22 </B>for the week, <B>61-96-7</B> overall. </div> <bR> <div> <B>FEBRUARY 1:</B></div> <div> I am on another of my quixotic ventures. I've long tried, single-handedly, to rename the World Series the World's Series, because it has a nice vintage tone to it and used to be the common usage. Needless to say, I've gotten nowhere on that one. I also won't get anywhere with this one:</div> <div> The Super Bowl is nothing more or less than the NFL championship game.</div> <div> Yet, for some bizarre reason, Super Bowl records are kept completely apart from the records of every NFL championship game pre-1966.</div> <div> Think about it. Why should the Buccaneers' win last year count any differently in the record books than the Bears' 1933 title, or the Packers' 1960 title, or the Cleveland Rams' 1945 championship? They all did the same thing... they won their league's championship game. But it is as if all before Super Bowl I has been erased from the record books. At least they're still recognized somewhere as having won something. The poor Colts and Vikings won the league in 1968 and 1969, but because they lost in Super Bowls III and IV to the champions of <I>another league</I>... well, they're as visible in the hall of champions as Khrushchev was after they kicked him out in '64. It would be like when the Yankees lost the <I>World's </I>Series to the Marlins, that they lost the right to call themselves AL pennant-winners.</div> <div> So here's my crusade. Stop calling the Big Game the Super Bowl. (You may, if you wish, continue to call the bloated halftime show the Super Bowl.) Equalize all the records of all the championship games from 1933 on, and stop pretending that record-keeping began with Pete Rozelle. The first 4 AFL-NFL matchups are interesting in their own right, but are apples besides the oranges of the NFL championship games. Terry Bradshaw's and Joe Montana's careers don't look any less impressive if they're known as "4-time NFL champion" instead of "4-time Super Bowl champion." Educate the young 'uns about the championship careers of Sid Luckman and Otto Graham.</div> <div> This crusade has as much hope of succeeding as Kucinich riding a hot streak into the White House, I know...</div> <bR> <div> Now. To the NFL Championship game for 2004. </div> <bR> <div> NEW ENGLAND (-7) and CAROLINA. I was surprised to see how evenly both teams match up. Both have above-average defenses against the pass and run, and both have above-average passing games. The big difference is in the rushing attack. Carolina has one, New England, with occasional exceptions, doesn't. I think that of the 4 parts of the game (pass offense and defense, rushing offense and defense), rushing offense is the most overrated. You <I>need </I>a good run defense. You <I>need </I>an efficient passing game and a good secondary. Running, though, rarely is as important as it looks in advance. The reason that winning teams run more often than losing teams is that they get ahead sooner and can work on the clock. </div> <div> So I don't think the Patriots' lack of a running game will necessarily hurt them. They should be able to shut down Jake Delhomme with their best-in-the-league pass defense, and though the Panthers also have a good pass defense, the Patriots come out better relatively. (Their pass defense has a bigger advantage over the Panthers' than the Panthers' passing game has over the Patriots'.) So, I think the Patriots will win. But it looks like it will be close. This flies in the face of traditional <I>NFL Championship Game </I>history, which suggests the winner usually wins in a blowout. I see a 24-21 game, Patriots winning. This means... <B>CAROLINA + 7, 46 times.</B></div> <div> If I lose here, I try to make back my losses on the South Carolina primary. Edwards + 2%, anyone?</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from the Divisional Round: </div> <div> Absolutely, without a doubt, the most brutal weekend of NFL prognostications I've ever suffered through. Thank goodness these are only imaginary bets.</div> <div> <I>None </I>of the favorites covered. You know how unusual that is? Well, I don't exactly know either, but I remember seeing stats that suggest it is pretty unusual. The Rams game (<B>L</B>) I can blame on the Rams' own ineptitude, though even if they had gone ahead and tried to win the game in regulation <I>like they should have</I>, it wouldn't have helped me any. The Patriots (<B>L</B>), I probably wouldn't have picked to cover if I'd taken the cold weather into consideration-- bad weather is the great points equalizer. The Chiefs' loss (<B>L</B>)? Well, that just plain dumsquzzles me. And why couldn't the Eagles have run that interception back for a TD in overtime (<B>L</B>)? Two games where I picked the winner but they didn't cover, and two losses outright.</div> <bR> <div> Total: <B>0-20 </B>for the week, <B>39-74-7</B> overall. </div> <bR> <div> <B>JANUARY 18:</B></div> <bR> <div> I am sticking to my guns. Both home teams to win, and both to cover. Not only because I think these two teams are the better ones, but because it would just be plain weird for home teams to go 0-6 against the spread at this point in the playoffs.</div> <bR> <div> IND at NE (-3.5). I know that the Colts have been <I>muy caliente</I>, but Bill Belichick has a history of shutting down hot teams in big games. Ask Kurt Warner about that, if you can find him these days. <B>NE - 3.5, 22 times.</B> Yes. 22 times. I am in the hole that badly, that I must put 22 imaginary betting units on each game in order to have a "winning" season. </div> <bR> <div> CAR at PHI (-4). Not only have the Eagles been among the best teams down the stretch, I would greatly enjoy anything which might make Rush Limbaugh look even worse. Such as Donovan McNabb leading his team to the Super Bowl. <B>PHI - 4, 22 times.</B></div> <bR> <div> I don't even want to think about how much I'm going to have to increase my bets at the Super Bowl if I don't win both of these!</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>DIVISIONAL ROUND</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from the Wild Card Round: The Cowboys laid an egg (<B>L</B>), but the Titans toughed it out and the Colts, <I>as I predicted</I>, crushed the Broncos (<B>W, W</B>). The Packers... ah, the Packers. Why do they want to do me like that? They lost the 7 point lead in the final minutes-- a lead that would have given me a push-- and won it on an overtime TD, where they don't kick extra points. Grrr... (<B>L</B>).</div> <bR> <div> Total: <B>10-10 </B>for the week, <B>39-54-7</B> overall. </div> <bR> <div> <B>JANUARY 10:</B></div> <bR> <div> All home teams to cover this week. </div> <bR> <div> CAR at STL (-7). At home, the Rams still play like they used to. <B>STL -7, 5 times</B>.</div> <div> TEN at NE (-6). I love McNair, but he has to give out sometime. <B>NE -6, 5 times</B>.</div> <div> IND at KC (-3). The Colts used it all up last week, I think. <B>KC - 3, 5 times</B>.</div> <div> GB at PHI (-5.5). The rematch of the 1960 championship should turn out the same way. <B>PHI - 5.5, 5 times</B>.</div> <bR> <div> <B>WILD CARD ROUND</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>JANUARY 3:</B></div> <div> The time has come to start doubling down... or tripling down, or whatever's right. 29-44-7... well, I don't want to say anything, but that ain't right.</div> <div> I could try to get it all back by making one high-stakes wager on one game, or I could try to get it back by bits and pieces. Let's try the bit-by-bit approach, and we can always go for broke later if we have to...</div> <bR> <div> TEN (-1) at BAL. Seriously, Anthony Wright? <B>TEN - 1, 5 times</B>. Yes, I am making each wager this week equivalent to <I>5 </I>regular season picks. When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose.</div> <div> DAL at CAR (-3). I have gone hot and cold on the Cowboys all season, Is Parcells a miracle worker, or a charlatan? I don't know, but I do know that he has two more World's Championship rings than John Fox has playoff coaching appearances. <B>DAL + 3, 5 times</B>.</div> <div> SEA at GB (-7). The Seahawks aren't a good road team. It will be freezing at Lambeau, and Wisconsinites firmly believe that the Miracle In The Desert is a sign of God's beneficence toward Brett Favre and the Pack. For the first round, that's good enough for me. <B>GB - 7, 5 times</B>.</div> <div> DEN at IND (-3). I saw a compelling stat concerning this game. When one team has blown out the home team during the regular season (as the Broncos blew out the Colts a few weeks ago), and those two teams meet again in the playoffs with the same team at home, the home team (Indy, if you are following) uniformly turns the table and wins in a blowout. I trust historical trends. <B>IND - 3, 5 times</B>.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Week SEVENTEEN</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Sixteen: "Interesting. <I>I didn't lose!</I>"-- Richard Dreyfuss, <I>Let It Ride</I>.</div> <div> For a change, I didn't have a losing week. Not a <I>winning </I>week, either, but...</div> <div> The Eagles and Bills lost, of course (<B>L, L</B>), but as expected, the Cowboys crushed the playing-out-the-string Giants (<B>W</B>), and Favre and the Packers came up big under difficult circumstances Monday night (<B>W</B>). What the Monday night game did was get me even for the week, because of the wacky Saints-Jags game, featuring the multiple-lateral game-tying touchdown, except that it wasn't a game-tying TD since the late John Carney missed an extra point with no time left on the clock. If he had hit the XP, it would have given me a chance to win the game in overtime, but... I also could have lost in OT. So, I'll take another (<B>P</B>).</div> <div> Total: <B>2-2-1 </B>for the week, <B>30-42-8</B> overall.</div> <bR> <div> <B>DECEMBER 29:</B></div> <div> Yes, I know it's Monday, and the week's games have been played. I didn't have a chance to post my picks before kickoff, but I did make my picks. As will become painfully apparent, I have not altered my picks based on what actually happened...</div> <bR> <div> CLE at CIN (-7.5). Yes, I thought that the Bengals had turned the corner, and that with a playoff berth on the line, they would rise to the challenge. Ah, not so much. <B>CIN - 7.5 (L)</B>.</div> <div> JAX at ATL (-3). I've been soft on the Jaguars all year. I thought they would finish up the year strong, against a playing-out-the-string Falcons. Ah, not so much. <B>JAX + 3 (L)</B>.</div> <div> DAL (-1.5) at NO. The Cowboys have finally solved their inconsistency problems. The Saints are too demoralized after the Carney disaster to play well in their last game. Ah, not so much. <B>DAL - 1.5 (L)</B>.</div> <div> MIN (-7.5) at AZ. Come on, it's the <I>Cardinals! </I>They <I>suck!</I> The Vikings are gonna crush them! </div> <div> I really thought that would happen, but the Vikings, in fact, could never really put the Cards away like I expected, leaving them vulnerable to the incredible last-second play that erased memories of the Carney disaster last week. Since it was apparent by then that I wasn't going to win the game anyway, I was happy to see the Packers in the playoffs. But picking <B>MIN - 7.5 </B>meant a<B> (L)</B>.</div> <div> OAK at SD (-4). Finally! I selected the correct playing-out-the-string team to bet against! <B>SD - 4 (W)</B>.</div> <bR> <div> Total: <B>1-4 </B>for the week, <B>29-44-7</B> overall. </div> <bR> <div> <B>Week SIXTEEN</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Fifteen: Disastrous. A push on the 49ers game (<B>P</B>), and then... down to defeat with the Jags, 'Skins, Vikings, and Panthers (<B>L, L, L, L</B>). In other words, almost as if I'd tried to lose them all...</div> <div> Total: <B>0-4-1 </B>for the week, <B>28-40-7</B> overall.</div> <bR> <div> <B>DECEMBER 21:</B></div> <div> Yes, there were games on Saturday the 20th, but after last week's debacle I deliberately took the day off. </div> <div> MIA at BUF (-1). Some things are predictable. Like the Dolphins tanking (pun!) in December. <B>BUF - 1</B>.</div> <div> NO at JAX (-1). I took the Jaguars last week, feeling that they were better than their miserable record and would reward me. They didn't, so this week I will pick against them. I know that this is a dead perfect setup for a stellar Jacksonville performance, put to quote Tommy Lee Jones in <I>The Fugitive</I>, "I... don't... care..." <B>NO + 1</B>.</div> <div> NYG at DAL (-10.5). I don't normally like to give so many points, but the Giants in free-fall, with a lame-duck coach, next to last game of the year, on the road? Seems like a good gamble. <B>DAL - 10.5</B>.</div> <div> SF at PHI (-7.5). Similarly, I've somewhat discounted the Eagles for the past few weeks, but playing at home against the lately horrible 49ers? I'm "very desirous" that the Eagles will crush them (does anybody even remember that mess from the beginning of the season? Rush sure doesn't because he was <I>STONED!</I>) <B>PHI - 7.5</B>.</div> <div> GB (-4.5) at OAK. The Monday night game. It's counter-intuitive to take Favre and the Packers on the road lately, but the Raider have been so disappointing this year... Bill Callahan, the line forms behind Dan Reeves and Jim Fassel. <B>GB - 4.5</B>.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Week FIFTEEN</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Fourteen: After the Packers and Redskins won (<B>W,W</B>), and the Seahawks and Cowboys lost (<B>L,L</B>), it came down to the Sunday night game to see whether it would be a winning week. Despite the media fawning over Mike Vick, he's not a great quarterback yet. And he almost lost that game against the Panthers with that horrible late interception. But alas, the Falcons won in OT by returning an equally horrible interception back for a score (<B>L</B>). Bah.</div> <div> Total: <B>2-3 </B>for the week, <B>28-36-6</B> overall. I'm running out of time!</div> <bR> <div> <B>DECEMBER 14:</B></div> <div> JAX at NE (-7). The Patriots? Smoke and mirrors. I'm just saying. <B>JAX + 7</B>.</div> <div> SF at CIN (-3). The 49ers have been maddeningly inconsistent this season, and the Bengals have surprised, but... I just can't resist getting points against Cincinnati. Prove me wrong. <B>SF + 3</B>.</div> <div> MIN (-3) at CHI. Rex Grossman's first start? Fresh meat for the Vikings' defense! <B>MIN -3</B>.</div> <div> DAL at WAS (Pick 'em). If the Cowboys were a stock, I'd sell. <B>WAS</B>.</div> <div> CAR (-6.5) at AZ. They are playing the Cardinals, for God's sake. <B>CAR - 6.5</B>.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Week FOURTEEN</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Thirteen: The Thanksgiving Day game was a (<B>L</B>), of course. The rest of the weekend deteriorated into a Total Loss Weekend with the dismal showings of the Niners, Vikings, and Raiders (<B>L, L, L</B>), before the Jets saved me from the difficult-to-achieve-even-if-you're-trying 0-5 week.</div> <div> <A HREF="http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/story.cgi?show=47&story=5846&page=6&sort=&limit=" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/sto"><U>These picks STINK of ROT and DEATH!</U></A></div> <div> Total: <B>1-4 </B>for the week, <B>26-33-6 </B>overall. </div> <bR> <div> <B>A DATE WHICH SHALL LIVE IN INFAMY:</B></div> <div> CHI at GB (-7). You know, in the movie <I>Eight Men Out</I>, when the Black Sox started winning games they weren't supposed to, Rothstein sent some "emissaries" to explain the situation to them. I imagine that in order to be assured of getting rid of Jauron and Shoup after the season, the Bears have sent some "messages" to the key players. <B>GB -7</B>.</div> <div> WAS at NYG (-3). A team in free-fall, like the New York Football Giants? Pick against 'em every time. <B>WAS + 3</B>.</div> <div> DAL at PHI (-5.5). I wonder if teams that play on Thanksgiving have a modified "bye effect" in their next game because of the extra rest. This is as good a time as any to find out. <B>DAL + 5.5</B>.</div> <div> SEA at MIN (-1.5). That thing about teams in free-fall? It applies here too. <B>SEA + 1.5</B>.</div> <div> CAR (-1) at ATL. Basically a pick 'em game. Sending Mike Vick out to finish up a 2-10 season and risk another injury makes about as much sense as tapping Steven Speilberg to remake <I>Gigli</I>. <B>CAR - 1</B>.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Week THIRTEEN</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Twelve: When, oh, when, will I get this season into gear??? Last week... The Raiders played it close enough (<B>W</B>), and the Bills blew an early lead and ended up giving me the dreaded (<B>P</B>). Other than that, nearly nothing went as I expected... or hoped. The Saints never got it together (<B>L</B>), the Falcons blew a <I>late </I>lead to (<B>L</B>) for me, and despite Favre's 3 interceptions (I guessed 4), the Niners (<B>L</B>).</div> <div> Total: <B>1-3-1 </B>for the week, <B>25-29-6 </B>overall. </div> <bR> <div> <B>THANKSGIVING:</B></div> <div> GB (-6.5) at DET. This game smells wrong to me on many levels... You don't normally pick against the Lions on Thanksgiving, you try not to pick the road favorite, Favre can often throw a bunch of interceptions on the road, blah blah blah. Then I remembered-- Barry Sanders isn't around to run wild, and the Lions <I>really </I>suck this year. <B>GB -6.5</B>.</div> <bR> <div> No selection on the Dallas game, though I suspect they will have their fun with the Dolphins. The rest of the picks later this weekend...</div> <bR> <div> <B>NOVEMBER 30:</B></div> <div> My Thanksgiving pick and almost-pick? They both turned out fine in the bizarro NFL world, where Brian Bosworth was a perennial All-Pro and the Bidwells have built a special room to house all their Lombardi Trophies. In fact, in the bizarro world, it's known as the "Bidwell Trophy."</div> <div> Seriously, if I'd known about the uniform situation, I'd be 2-0 instead of 0-1 so far this week. I was not aware that the Lions would be wearing throwback uniforms against the Pack. Throwback uniforms usually = victory, or so it seems to me. And I did not know that the Cowboys would be wearing their dark blue jerseys instead of their traditional white ones. There's a reason the Cowboys have worn white at home all these years-- it's that they <I>believe </I>they will suck if they wear blue. So as you can see, <I>if I had known the facts</I>, I could have been very successful last Thursday. On to this week...</div> <bR> <div> MIN at STL (-5.5). The Vikes have been more inconsistent than the Kerry campaign this season, but I think they might catch the Rams at a vulnerable point. <B>MIN + 5.5</B>.</div> <div> SF at BAL (-3). The Rattay Experiment is over. <B>SF + 3</B>.</div> <div> DEN (-3) at OAK. Having lost to the Bars at home should have embarrassed the Broncos enough so that they'll bounce back this week, but the horrible suspicion persists that with Jake Plummer at the helm, last week was simply their natural state. <B>OAK + 3</B>.</div> <div> TEN (-1.5) at NYJ. I'm stealing somebody else's observation, but the Jets used to be named the Titans. I only wish Cosell were still alive so he could hammer that point into the ground all Monday night. <B>NYJ + 1.5</B>.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Week TWELVE</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Eleven: Bah. The Giants sucked (<B>L</B>). No more Flutie magic (<B>L</B>). After winning (most unexpectedly) with the Mighty Bengals (a title which could almost be passing out of the "mockery" stage) and the Jaguars (<B>W</B>, <B>W</B>), it was up to the Colts-Jets. The dagger in my heart? The fake FG attempt that wenr for a touchdown, enabling the Colts to win by 7 instead of 3 (<B>L</B>). Bah.</div> <div> On the other hand, I <I>nailed </I>the Grey Cup pick. Yay, Eskimoes!</div> <div> Total: <B>2-3 </B>for the week, <B>24-26-5 </B>overall. Currently <B>1-0 </B>in CFL selections!</div> <bR> <div> <B>NOVEMBER 23</B>:</div> <bR> <div> NO at PHI (-5.5). Are the Eagles looking like they've solved their early-season woes? It's an illusion. <B>NO + 5.5</B>.</div> <div> IND (-3) at BUF. I am still mad about that fake FG last week. This one's out of spite. Partly, anyway. <B>BUF + 3</B>.</div> <div> SF at GB (-5). Brett Farve still excited by Southern Mississippi's upset of TCU. Will barely notice as he throws 4 interceptions. <B>SF + 5</B>.</div> <div> OAK at KC (-11.5). After all those consecutive wins, there's no way the Chiefs can lose two in a row, right? Tell that to the Vikings (6-0 start, 0-4 in the last month). Rick Mirer vs. Trent Green? Not exactly Lamonica vs. Dawson, is it? <B>OAK + 11.5</B>.</div> <div> TEN (-6.5) at ATL. Just a hunch. <B>ATL + 6.5</B>.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Week ELEVEN</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Ten: Seriously, what's up with the pushes this season? Two more last week, with the Raiders and Bills just easing into their expected loss margin (<B>P</B>, <B>P</B>). The 'Skins and Falcons both rewarded my faith in the bye effect by going ahead and winning outright (<B>W</B>, <B>W</B>), so my only real loss was with the Vikings... predictably, the first time in weeks I picked a favorite, and they tanked (<B>L</B>).</div> <div> Total: <B>2-1-2 </B>for the week, <B>22-23-5 </B>overall. If I counted ties like the NHL, though, I'd have been 2-1-1-1 for the week, eh? (Since the Raider game was decided in overtime, otherwise I would have won the game based on the score after regulation.)</div> <bR> <div> <B>NOVEMBER 16:</B></div> <div> I'm flying blind this week... of all the teams with a bye effect, <I>not one </I>is an underdog. Robs me of easy picks, so I will have to go to the back-up plan-- who's won more/fewer games than they should have based on their overall points scored/allowed margin, and who might be due for the Johnson effect to strike?</div> <bR> <div> NYG at PHI (-3.5). The Giants have been counted out for this season. So naturally, they will play well against the Eagles. <B>NYG + 3.5</B>.</div> <div> KC (-6) at CIN. Everybody seems to assume that there's no way a team will ever go undefeated again, like the '72 Dolphins. What nobody realizes is that through the 1972 season, every pundit was just as certain the Dolphins couldn't possibly go undefeated. Ther chances of an NFL team going through the season without a loss are not nearly as meager as you might think. <B>CIN +6</B>. Ha! I threw you a curveball there, just like the writers on <I>24 </I>when it turns out that Kyle's mother <I>didn't </I>contaminate the L.A. water system by flushing the virus-laced cocaine down the toilet, like they implied in the previews all week, because it wasn't virus-laced and it wasn't even coke! And then they <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000BF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><A HREF="http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/story.cgi?show=73&story=5745&limit=&sort=" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/sto"><U>shot Tony!</U></A> </FONT>What's up with that?</div> <div> JAX at TEN (-10). The Jags haven't played badly enough to be 2-7. The Titans haven't played well enough to be 7-2. <B>JAX + 10</B>.</div> <div> NYJ at IND (-6). See above comment. Substitute "Jets" and "Colts" for "Jags" and "Titans". Well, substitute "3-6" for "2-7" too, while you're at it. <B>NYJ +6</B>.</div> <div> SD at DEN (-8). Flutie has one more burst of undersized quarterback magic left in him. <B>SD + 8</B>.</div> <bR> <div> BONUS PICK: <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000BF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><A HREF="http://www.cfl.ca/CFLGreyCup/home.html" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.cfl.ca/CFLGreyCup/home.html"><U>GREY CUP!</U></A></FONT></div> <div> <B>EDM -3</B>. Go Eskimos! But I still don't understand the whole "rouge" thing...</div> <bR> <div> <B>Week TEN</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Nine: In the early games, the Colts won and the Jags gave me a push (<B>W</B>, <B>P</B>), and midway through the 2nd quarter of the late afternoon games it seemed possible I could go 4-0-1. Then... the Steelers and Falcons faded (<B>L</B>, <B>L</B>), leaving the unlikliest of all outcomes, an Arizona Cardinals victory, to get me even (<B>W</B>).</div> <div> Total: <B>2-2-1 </B>for the week, <B>20-22-3 </B>overall. What's with all the pushes this season? I only had one all last year...</div> <bR> <div> <B>NOVEMBER 9:</B></div> <div> Some awfully funky looking picks this week, but I have ultimate faith in the bye effect :)</div> <bR> <div> ATL at NYG (-10.5). I just don't believe the Giants are a truly quality team, just as I don't believe in the Easter Bunny, the single-bullet theory, or the possibility the phrase "Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States, Carol Mosely-Braun" will ever be uttered. <B>ATL + 10.5</B>.</div> <div> SEA (-3.5) at WAS. See, this is where Spurrier will fool you into thinking the Redskins are a good enough team to count on for the rest of the season. They aren't, but <B>WAS + 3.5</B>.</div> <div> MIN (-5.5) at SD. Do I always seem to pick underdogs? I've determined to pick a favorite this week. <B>MIN - 5.5</B>.</div> <div> NYJ (-3) at OAK. Starting Rick Mirer? A move so crazy it <I>just might work</I>!!! <B>OAK + 3</B>.</div> <div> BUF at DAL (-4). In keeping with a tradition I lifted from Norman "The Man" Chad, I will not only take the Bills, but I will predict the <I>exact score </I>of this game (this extra pick not counting in my season's W-L totals!). Buffalo 24, Cowboys 20. Tuna? <I>There's </I>your <I>tuna</I>! <B>BUF + 4</B>.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Week NINE</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Eight: I was 2-2 on Sunday's games, winning with the Mighty Bengals and the Cardinals (<B>W</B>, <B>W</B>) and losing with the Lions and Jaguars (<B>L</B>, <B>L</B>). That left it up to the Monday night game, the one that ended up being moved because of the Southern California fires. They lost it by a bunch, so there's no room for complaint, but if the Chargers had lost by a margin within the normal home-field advantage (2 1/2 or 3 1/2 points)... then I might be all Albert Brooks in <I>Lost In America </I>and trying to get my money back (<B>L</B>).</div> <div> Total: <B>2-3 </B>for the week, <B>18-20-2 </B>overall.</div> <bR> <div> <B>NOVEMBER 2:</B></div> <div> My picks this week will be unadorned with comments so as not to distract from this personal statement: Osten is the wussiest wuss that ever wussed his way onto reality TV. Thank you.</div> <bR> <div> IND at MIA (-3). <B>IND + 3</B>.</div> <div> JAX at BAL (-7). <B>JAX + 7</B>.</div> <div> CIN (-3) at AZ. <B>AZ + 3</B>.</div> <div> PIT at SEA (-4.5). <B>PIT + 4.5</B>.</div> <div> PHI (-4.5) at ATL. <B>ATL + 4.5</B>.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Week EIGHT</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Seven: The Chargers and Titans won outright, and the Bears played just well enough to lose by a single digit, so "yay" (<B>W</B>, <B>W</B>, <B>W</B>). The Lions pick didn't work out so well, though, and the Texans blew it in the last minutes, so... it was a winning week, but could have been better.</div> <div> Total: <B>3-2 </B>for the week, <B>16-17-2 </B>overall.</div> <bR> <div> <B>OCTOBER 26:</B></div> <div> All of my picks this week are courtesy of the "bye effect"... In addition to each pick, I will present a fact I have learned by watching Fox TV promos during the baseball playoffs.</div> <bR> <div> TEN (-3.5) at JAX. President Palmer is one tough SOB to survive that biological assassination attempt at the end of last season. <B>JAX + 3.5</B>.</div> <div> DET at CHI (-3.5). Co-starring with Norm MacDonald in <I>A Minute With Stan Hooper</I>? Oh, so <I>that's </I>what happened to Penelope Ann Miller's career. <B>DET + 3.5</B>.</div> <div> SEA (-1.5) at CIN. Life's a bitch in the O. C. <B>CIN + 1.5</B>.</div> <div> SF (-6.5) at AZ. The Securities and Exchange Committee really <I>does </I>have boats. <B>AZ + 6.5</B>.</div> <bR> <div> <B>OCTOBER 27:</B></div> <div> MIA (-3.5) at SD. [You knew this was coming...] HIS <I>FATHER </I>IS THE DISTRICT <I>ATTORNEY</I>!!! <B>SD + 3.5</B>.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Week SEVEN</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Six: Not many excuses this week. At least now I know-- the Raiders appear to be done for the year after that loss last week, and I can now stop expecting that they will return to Super Bowl form (<B>L</B>). The Patriots were the <I>wrong </I>team from New England to beat a New York team this week (<B>L</B>), and the Titans-Texans game was a disaster (<B>L</B>). The Jets did provide an unexpected victory (<B>W</B>). So I should have had a 2-3 week... except that Andy Reid devised the brilliant stratagem of onside-kicking to start the game. Not a good move when it was returned for what must have been the quickest touchdown in NFL history, and not a good move for bettors who took the Eagles plus a point and a half, only to see them lose by two. I believe Reid is also known in the Boston area, where he goes under the name "Grady Little" (<B>L</B>).</div> <div> Total: <B>1-4 </B>for the week, <B>13-15-2 </B>overall. </div> <bR> <div> <B>OCTOBER 19:</B></div> <div> The "curse" edition...</div> <bR> <div> SD at CLE (-5.5). The Browns' counterpart to the Buckner groundball? The Fumble in the AFC title game in 1987, of course. The Chargers have to win eventually, right? <B>SD + 5.5</B>.</div> <div> DAL (-3) at DET. For this week, the Cowboys operate under the Curse of the Emmitbino, for letting Emmit Smith leave. Of course, he's washed up, so the comparisions with the Ruth giveaway aren't 100% airtight. <B>DET + 3</B>.</div> <div> TEN at CAR (-2). The Panthers' management refuses to allow a goat into the stands this week. Disaster ensues. Besides, I don't exactly see the Panthers making a run at the Dolphins' undefeated season record. <B>TEN + 2</B>.</div> <div> NYJ (-3) at HOU. After lighting up the Jets' secondary this week, the Texans' quarterback will be known in New York simply as David "F@#$%&G" Carr. <B>HOU + 3</B>.</div> <div> CHI at SEA (-11). Unlike at Wrigley Field, Bears fans interfering with the play on the field might actually be better than the actual Bears. Still, 11 points? Is a lot. I sense a decent game for the Bears, if only to celebrate the demotion of Kordell "Can't Find An Open Reciever If His Career Depended On It" Stewart. <B>CHI + 11</B>.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Week SIX</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Five: I have nobody to blame but myself.</div> <div> The Patriots and the Dolphins won. OK (<B>W</B>, <B>W</B>). The Seahawks lost, but hey, these things happen (<B>L</B>). </div> <div> Then I outsmarted myself. I knew that I <I>should </I>have picked the Bears + 4 because they still had the bye effect working for them. But after how limp they looked against the Packers on Monday night? And after that screed I posted about them last week? How could I possibly have justified picking the Bears and the points?</div> <div> Nevertheless. I now know that no matter what, unless the team's entire starting backfield is playing on broken feet, <I>play the percentages and pick the team with the bye effect! </I>I didn't last week, and the mighty Raiders gave me a self-inflicted (<B>L</B>).</div> <div> Then there's the Eagles pick. To be honest, I was meh about the Eagles last week... but I had this line I wanted to use in the wake of Rush "Self-Admitted Drug Addict" Limbaugh's ESPN comments. And damn the fact that I didn't feel confident about the pick, because, dammit, humor trumps football judgement, right? And still... If the Philly defense hadn't fallen down in the last few minutes of the game, I'd have won the game anyway. But no (<B>L</B>).</div> <div> To top it off, the line wasn't even all <I>that </I>clever.</div> <div> Total: <B>2-3 </B>for the week, <B>12-11-2 </B>overall.</div> <bR> <div> <B>OCTOBER 12:</B></div> <div> NYG at NE (-2.5). I just saw game 3 of the ALCS. After that, I like the chances of a New York team in New England this weekend. <B>NYG + 2.5</B>.</div> <div> OAK at CLE (-3). The Raiders can't be as bad as they looked against the Bears, <I>right</I>? Just win, baby? <B>OAK + 3</B>.</div> <div> PHI at DAL (-1.5). No, this time I'm serious. I feel it in my bones. You mean Donovan McNabb's... <I>oh, never mind</I>! <B>PHI + 1.5</B>.</div> <div> HOU at TEN (-10). Ten points is a lot of points to give. <B>HOU + 10</B>.</div> <div> BUF (-2.5) at NYJ. The Jets at 0-4? This is usually the time they start playing up to speed. <B>NYJ + 2.5</B>.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Week FIVE</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Four: Well, Philly won outright (<B>W</B>), Houston won outright, (<B>W</B>), and the Cowboys won outright (<B>W</B>). Not bad picking there... The Chargers lost in overtime but by less than a touchdown (obviously-- you <B>can't </B>score more than 6 points in overtime), so that's a (<B>W</B>). A nice 4-0 Sunday. And the Bears on Monday night... If you can't get up for a Monday night game-- or for a game against your hated rival-- or for the first game at your remodeled stadium with franchise greats in attendance-- then you're hopeless. You have no heart and no talent. It almost makes me sorry to enjoy your monstrous ineptitude. Almost (<B>L</B>). No, it's not like I took losing the perfect week personally or anything!</div> <div> Total: <B>4-1 </B>for the week, <B>10-8-2 </B>overall.</div> <bR> <div> <B>OCTOBER 5:</B></div> <div> A current affairs edition of the picks this week...</div> <div> OAK (-4) at CHI. You know, I think the media is somewhat <I>desirous </I>to believe that there is a real live professional football team in Chicago. <B>OAK - 4</B>.</div> <div> MIA at NYG (PICK 'EM). Today, Arnold Schwarzenegger angrily denied what he called "sleazy" newspaper reports that he advised the Giants to sign Jason Seahorn to that big contract a few years ago. <B>MIA</B>.</div> <div> SEA at GB (-2). If he beats the Packers in his return to the not-yet-frozen tundra, he'll be less popular there than Bob Novak in the Joseph Wilson household. <B>SEA + 2</B>.</div> <div> TEN (-1) at NE. Members of the UN Security Council expressed skepticism over US-backed Iraqi aid resolutions, and also added that "Eddie George just can't get it done no more." <B>NE + 1</B>.</div> <div> WAS at PHI (-5.5). What? You mean Donovan McNabb's <I>black??? </I>All these years I thought he was <I>Irish</I>!!! <B>PHI -5.5</B>.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Week FOUR</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Three: Bleh. Only the bet against the Mighty Bengals of Cincinnati (<I>SportsNight </I>reference) paid off (<B>W</B>). All the other picks failed spectacularly (<B>L, L, L, L</B>). And after seeing the season premiere of <I>The West Wing</I>, I'm not so certain that Bartlet will ever get his job back... But on a brighter note... An Emmy <I>and </I>an all-but-official renewal of <I>The Amazing Race</I>! Yay!</div> <div> Total: <B>1-4 </B>for the week, <B>6-7-2 </B>overall.</div> <bR> <div> <B>SEPTEMBER 28:</B></div> <div> JAX (-3) at HOU. Byron Leftwich's debut. He will eventually be fine, but no good can come from his first game. <B>HOU +3</B>.</div> <div> PHI at BUF (-3). It's time to start picking games due to the Bye Effect. <B>PHI + 3</B>.</div> <div> SD at OAK (-7). Did you see any of that Monday night game? The Raiders sucked. Hard to believe they are giving 7 points. <B>SD + 7</B>.</div> <div> DAL at NYJ (-3). After this week, Bill Parcells will have coached more games this season in the Meadowlands than his own stadium... <B>DAL + 3</B>.</div> <div> GB (-4) at CHI. I am conflicted about this one. Historically, the Packers and Favre layeth the smackdown upon the Bears on Monday nights, but the Bears are coming off a bye, and perhaps the Packers will be mesmerized by the flying-saucer-like appearance of the new Soldier Field. <B>CHI + 4</B>.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Week THREE</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week Two: The Saints and Chiefs covered without problem (<B>W</B>, <B>W</B>), while my faith in Joey Harrington was unfounded, proving me to be nothing but an excitable boy (<B>L</B>). The Niners game... what else can you say? A blunder on the last play of regulation cost me a possible outright win, leaving me with a push in overtime (<B>P</B>).</div> <div> And then the Bears... Going into the game, I would have been perfectly fine with either a close one, enabling the Bears to beat the spread, or a nationally televised humiliation of the Monsters of the Midway. They left me with neither a win or the satisfaction of a butt-whipping. I hate the Bears (<B>L</B>).</div> <div> Total: <B>2-2-1 </B>for the week, <B> 5-3-2 </B>overall.</div> <bR> <div> <B>SEPTEMBER 21:</B></div> <div> It's Emmy weekend, so let's try another set of theme picks...</div> <bR> <div> TB (-4) at ATL. Next on <I>CSI</I>: The sudden loss of the Bucs' running game has Chucky Gruden suspecting foul play. <B>ATL + 4</B>.</div> <div> PIT (-4.5) at CIN. The Bengals are going nowhere, just like every subplot involving Kim on last season's <I>24</I>. Look out for that cougar, Jon Kitna! <B>PIT - 4.5</B>.</div> <div> BAL (-1) at SD. Time once again for that family favorite, <I>Everybody Loves LaDainian</I>... The reappearance of the classic Chargers' powder blue retro uniforms makes this an obvious choice. <B>SD + 1</B>.</div> <div> BUF at MIA (-3). What's more likely? A Bills 3-0 start, or keeping that Republican president on <I>The West Wing</I>? Since we know [<B>spoiler!</B>] that Bartlet will be back in charge soon after the season starts... <B>BUF + 3</B>.</div> <div> OAK at DEN (-5.5). Let's just say that a Broncos win will result in Jake Plummer getting a "visit" from Tony Soprano. Plus... It's the Raiders on Monday Night! <B>OAK + 5.5</B>.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Week TWO</B></div> <bR> <div> RESULTS from Week One: In Sunday's games, I won with the Colts and Giants straight up (<B>W</B>, <B>W</B>). It must have been sweet for VanderJagt to score <I>all </I>the Colts' points... The Jags blew a big lead and lost in the end, but still beat the spread (<B>W</B>). My only Sunday loss? The Patriots. I hope this isn't a bad omen for Dr. Dean (<B>L</B>).</div> <div> Total: <B>3-1-1 </B>overall.</div> <bR> <div> <B>SEPTEMBER 14:</B></div> <div> In honor of the passing of Warren Zevon and Johnny Cash, all picks this week will have a dopey reference to one of their songs...</div> <bR> <div> DET at GB (-6.5). Green Bay should bounce back and win, but I have a feeling the Lions will play them tough. Send lawyers, guns and Joey Harrington, the shit has hit the fan. <B>DET + 6.5</B>.</div> <div> PIT at KC (-3.5). Priest Holmes once shot a man in Independence, Missouri, just to watch him die. <B>KC - 3.5</B>.</div> <div> SF at STL (-3). Bulger may be starting instead of Warner, but the Rams are still finished. Poor poor pitiful Rams. <B>SF + 3</B>.</div> <div> HOU at NO (-8). They may have upset the Dolphins last week, but the Texans are about to step into a burnin' ring of fire at the Superdome. <B>NO - 8</B>.</div> <div> CHI at MIN (-8.5). There is absolutely no way an NFL franchise could possibly be as inept as the Bears appeared to be last week, so I think that while they will lose, they will surprise by making it a touchdown spread. Either that, or the Vikings will be so confident they will come out with a boy named Sue at QB. <B>CHI + 8.5</B>.</div> <div> (Songs I tried but failed to work in... <I>Sunday Morning Coming Down</I>, <I>I Walk the Line</I>, <I>Bad Luck Streak in Dancing School</I>, <I>Werewolves of London</I>, <I>Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner</I>, and <I>Accidentally Like A Martyr</I>...)</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Week One</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>SEPTEMBER 4:</B></div> <bR> <div> Aaannnddd once again the NFL is treating the first game like it's an episode of <I>The Ed Sullivan Show</I>. I griped a little about Bon Jovi last year, but at least it was confined to one act. This year? Britney, Aerosmith, Mary J. Blige, Good Charlotte, <I>and </I>the Queen of Soul performing at halftime? Yeesh.</div> <bR> <div> NYJ at WAS (-3). Yes, Pennington's out and Vinny sucks. Yes, the Washington Native Americans have improved themselves in the offseason. I just like picking against Steve Spurrier. Oh, I knew all about Britney's appearance at halftime weeks ago and was preparing some witty remarks, but then the little tart goes ahead and kisses Madonna on national TV last week. How can I top that?? Instead, I predict that the coin flip will be replaced by a quarterback accuracy challenge-- whoever can throw the football between Steven Tyler's unnaturally huge lips will get first possession. <B>NYJ + 3</B>.</div> <bR> <div> RESULTS: Washington won by a late FG, so it's a <B>Push</B> for Marky. Can I get partial credit for forseeing that the pre-game extravaganza would be an embarrassing nationally-televised train wreck? (I fully acknowledge that I was wrong about the halftime part, rather than pre-game.) <B>0-0-1</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>SEPTEMBER 7:</B></div> <bR> <div> The first three games are pick 'em. To paraphrase what <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000BF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><A HREF="http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/staff.cgi?show=76" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/sta"><U>Miss Alli</U></A></FONT> says of the Reckless/Chicken detours on <I>The Amazing Race</I>, if you don't have the guts to pick games straight up, you have no business picking games in the first place...</div> <bR> <div> NE at BUF. The Patriots are the franchise closest to Vermont, home state of the <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000BF" FACE="Times New Roman" ><A HREF="http://www.deanforamerica.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.deanforamerica.com"><U>next President of the United States!</U></A> </FONT><B>NE</B>.</div> <div> IND at CLE. In order to punish Mike Vander Jagt for trash-talkin' him during the off-season, Peyton Manning will personally run in all conversion attempts this season. <B>IND</B>.</div> <div> STL at NYG. Kurt Warner is starting again. Kurt Warner hasn't won a game for over a season. <B>NYG</B>.</div> <bR> <div> One more game to go this week... I could take the Packers -5 against the Vikings because the Pack dominates Minnesota at Lambeau, but...</div> <bR> <div> JAX at CAR (-3.5). In baseball, they call it the Shotton Syndrome. Replace a high-intensity manager with a more easy-going one, and for a while, the results are amazing. Replacing Drill Sergeant Tom Coughlin can't but have the same effect. <B>JAX + 3.5</B>.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>